I switched out my main profile pic on CMB with a new one where I look less “glowy,” my smile looks less pageanty, my face looks a little doughy and manly, I’m wearing a hoodie, and I’m slouching so you can see a peek of my dingy greige (gray + beige) bra. CMB asks us to describe how we look in 3 words. I’ve changed my description back to: I look… Korean, unhappy in suits, and like I don’t skip meals. I don’t know why I’m self-sabatoging my prospects of success on CMB. I just can’t seem to take it seriously. I think it’s because my insecurities are starting to bubble up now that I’ve been talking to a couple of guys on the phone and we’re supposed to meet up soon.
I’ve been told I’m very photogenic. In a general sense, it means I take good pictures, but I wonder if it means I look better in pics than in real life, that I’ve perfected my best smile, angles, etc. I do seem to have the same look in all my pics. Now that I’m on the verge of meeting these two dudes in person, one of whom I already have fun bantering back and forth with, I guess the anxiety of not knowing what their real life perception of me will be is kind of getting to me. I wouldn’t mind taking a break from CMB for awhile. I’m not good at this. Toggling back and forth between texting/talking to two guys is stressing me out, and we don’t even communicate that much.
Maybe I’m too insecure to date online. Also, I feel like I’m shopping for shoes or something. It feels wrong. I know people who support online dating say that only the initial encounter is online, and the rest is like you met in real life, but I need that initial encounter to be in the flesh. I’ve met about half of my exes through organic encounters, i.e. at birthday parties, group events, etc., and the other half were through set-ups. When you meet in person, you make a split second assessment about whether you’re interested and if not, you move on, without any investment whatsoever, and without receiving or creating a bruised ego. If there is interest, it’s very clear because you’re exchanging numbers, making plans to meet up, etc. With online dating, you’re investing in someone blindly, and when you meet up, there’s an 80% chance you’re not going to want to continue investing anymore. I got the 80% from an article I read about why online dating sucks 80% of the time, and it really hits the nail on the head:
Unfortunately, real-life dating is more about sex appeal. It sounds shallow, but we can’t help it; it’s related to evolution. If you’re not physically attracted to a person, you move on. You don’t mate with that person. End of story. Online dating doesn’t allow you to make this distinction until you’ve wasted $48 on drinks and 3 hours with somebody you’d never talk to in real life. You gave them a chance because of what you read, but the chemistry didn’t produce a reaction.
Online dating throws a metaphorical wrench into the evolutionary plan of natural selection with regard to mating. It attempts to match people who are not otherwise attracted to one another. It puts you in contact with people you would otherwise never be in a situation to meet if not for the Internet. It makes you think that attraction is about reading profiles and matching up favorite books with other people. Furthermore, it makes people think that meeting people online is a substitute for having a personality. It’s not.
I’m not looking forward to meeting these guys. At least this means I’m not desperate, right? I don’t know what’s worse though, being desperate or being paralyzed by insecurity. Both may be equally lame. Get over it, me!
dating kind of sucks 